"Ask a psychologist." Answers to questions

Friends, our Charity Foundation presents the column “Ask a Psychologist”, within which psychologist Yana Kobets gives her expert advice to our subscribers.

As we promised, we publish our specialist’s answers to the questions we receive from you.

• How to recover from the loss of a loved one and get back to life?
• How to support a child if the father went missing in the war?
• Psychologist's answer: How to support a child who is grieving for a dead father?
• What to do when you see shadows or objects that are not there?
• How to reduce anxiety levels?
• How can I overcome a gaming addiction that arose due to stressful events? I'm worried that it could ruin my relationship with my partner, who doesn't know about this problem.
• How to find a job? I'm having trouble finding my place
• How to support a child who feels constant anxiety due to the possible danger to their parents?
• How to control yourself and not yell at your child, especially during homework?

Psychologist's answer: How to recover from the loss of a loved one and get back to life?

The path to recovery is an individual process that requires time and patience. There is no single right answer to how to learn to enjoy life again. However, there are some steps that can help you on this difficult path.

Allow yourself to grieve. Do not suppress your feelings. Tears, anger, sadness are normal reactions to loss. Allow yourself to feel everything you feel. Talk about your feelings. Share your experiences with loved ones, friends or a psychologist. This will help you let your emotions out and feel supported.

Allow yourself to grieve. Do not rush to "forget" about your loss. Grief is a natural process, and you need to go through it.

Take care of yourself
Physical health: Watch your diet, exercise, get enough sleep. Physical health is closely linked to our emotional state.
Emotional health: Practice relaxation techniques such as meditation or breathing exercises. Do something you enjoy, read books, listen to music.
Social connections: Maintain connections with loved ones. Talking to other people will help you feel less alone.

Seek support
Family and friends: Talk to loved ones about how you are feeling. Their support is very important to you.
Support groups: Talking to people who have gone through similar experiences can be very helpful.
Psychologist: A specialist can help you process your feelings, find resources to overcome difficulties and restore emotional balance.

Gradually return to life
Start small: Set small and achievable goals.
Discover new things: Find new hobbies or interests.
Plan for the future: Think about what you want to achieve in life.

Remember that the recovery process is individual and can take a long time. Don't compare yourself to others or demand too much from yourself. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel everything you feel.
You are not alone. Many people have experienced a similar loss and were able to find the strength to move on. You can do it too.
If you are having a hard time dealing with these feelings on your own, don't hesitate to seek help from a psychologist.

Psychologist's answer: How to support a child if the father went missing in the war?

The situation when the father is missing in action is extremely difficult and painful for the whole family, especially for children. They feel fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and need special attention and support.

Recommendations that can help you support your child during this difficult period:

·Open conversation. Tell your child about the situation in simple, understandable words, according to their age. Do not lie, but avoid unnecessary details that may scare them.

·Give your child the opportunity to express their feelings and experiences. Do not interrupt them or devalue their feelings.

·Answer all of your child's questions as honestly and as accessible as possible. If you do not know the answer to a question, say so and offer to find the answer together.

·Create a safe space. Let your child feel that they are not alone, that you are always there to support them.

·Create family rituals that will help your child feel safe and calm. These can be dinners together, reading bedtime stories, or walks in the fresh air.

·Monitor what information your child receives from the news. Too much negative information can increase their anxiety.

·Professional help. Contact a child psychologist. A specialist will help your child process their feelings and teach them useful strategies for coping with stress. Communicating with other children who are going through similar experiences can be very helpful.

·Maintaining a routine. Try to maintain a familiar schedule for your child's day to provide them with a sense of stability. Encourage your child to do things they love, communicate with friends. This will help them forget about their worries and feel much better.

·Take care of yourself. Remember yourself. You need help too. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your loved ones or professionals for help.
Talk to others who are going through similar experiences.

Every child is different, and what works for one child may not work for another. Be sensitive to your child’s needs and try to create the safest and most comfortable environment possible. There are also organizations that provide psychological support for children who have experienced traumatic events. Don’t be afraid to reach out to them for help. It’s important to understand that the recovery process from trauma can be a long one. Be patient with yourself and your child.

Psychologist's answer: How to support a child who is grieving for a dead father?

I sympathize with you in your grief. The death of a loved one is always a great loss, especially when a young child has to experience it.

Today, your child is experiencing deep stress, and it is quite natural that he constantly cries and misses his father. Children's grief over the death of a parent is a completely normal reaction to loss. This is a deep emotional trauma that takes time to heal. Children, especially young children, do not yet have enough experience to understand death, so they often perceive it as something temporary or unfair.

Why is this a normal reaction:

1. Strong attachment. Children are very attached to their parents, especially at an early age. Losing a parent destroys this bond and causes feelings of loss, loneliness and fear.

2. Misunderstanding of death. Children often do not understand the concept of death. For them, it can be something temporary, for example, when someone goes to bed and does not wake up. Therefore, it is important not to call death a dream, so as not to cause the child to fear falling asleep. He may begin to fear that he will fall asleep and never wake up again. You should not tell the child that God took him away, because this can cause resentment and anger at higher powers. You should also be careful with statements like: the father is now in heaven and he is better off there than us. Because the child may have a desire to get to the father in heaven, because it is better there and you can be near him there. Sometimes it is difficult for a child to realize how the father went to another world and at the same time his relatives go to the cemetery to see him? Therefore, it is necessary to explain death in the child's language, in accordance with his age, in a clear way and within the framework of the concept that your family adheres to.
3. Inability to express their feelings. Children may not know how to express their feelings correctly, so they may show them through aggression, detachment or other forms of behavior.
4. Fear of the unknown. The death of the father causes the child to fear the future. They may be afraid that something similar will happen to other loved ones.

What are the manifestations of grief in children:
- Crying is the most obvious manifestation of grief.
- Change in appetite. The child may refuse to eat or, conversely, overeat.
- Problems with sleep. Insomnia, nightmares.
- Change in behavior. The child may become more aggressive, withdrawn or, conversely, hyperactive.
- Physical symptoms. Headache, stomachache, loss of interest in games.

What parents can do:
- Be honest and open. Talk to the child in simple words that he can understand about what happened. Explain that dad is dead and will not come back. Do not deceive the child, but do not go into too much detail either.
- Allow the child to express his feelings. Do not hold back the child's tears. Let him cry, scream, get angry. This is a natural reaction to grief.
- Answer the child's questions. Even if these questions seem naive to you. Speak calmly and confidently.
- Keep rituals. Continue to perform the usual rituals associated with the father. For example, read his favorite bedtime stories or look at family photos.
- Let the child say goodbye. Give him the opportunity to say goodbye to his father. This can be through a drawing, a letter or just talking about him.
- Let the child play games related to his father. Playing, the child can process his feelings and experiences.
- Seek help from a specialist. A psychologist can help the child and you cope with grief and learn to live on. A pediatric neurologist can prescribe medications that will support the child's nervous system.
- Take care of yourself. Remember that you also need support. Do not hesitate to seek help from friends, relatives or a psychologist.

What to do during tantrums:
- Stay calm. Your reaction is very important to the child. Try to stay calm, even if it is very difficult for you. However, you can also cry together and say that you miss your father too and that your sadness is normal.
- Hug your child. Physical contact helps them feel safe.
- Listen to your child. Let them express their feelings. Don't interrupt them or minimize their feelings. Tell them that you feel the same way.
- Redirect your child's attention. Try to divert your child's attention to something else, such as playing a game or reading a story.
- Go for a walk in the fresh air. Fresh air and physical activity can help your child calm down.

Remember that the grieving process is individual for each person. Don't compare your child to others and don't expect them to quickly forget about the loss. Be patient and supportive of them and yourself.

Psychologist's answer: What to do when you see shadows or objects that are not there?

Indeed, such sensations can cause severe anxiety and confusion. Seeing shadows that are not really there and feeling someone's presence in the room are quite common experiences, especially in stressful situations.

What could be the cause of such sensations?

Stress and anxiety. Severe stress related to daily life or some specific events can lead to hallucinations or increased sensitivity to the environment.
Lack of sleep. Lack of sleep can affect our ability to distinguish between reality and fantasy.
Depression. Depressive states are often accompanied by various bodily sensations, including the feeling of someone's presence.
Drug therapy. Some medications can cause side effects, which may include visual hallucinations.
Medical conditions. In some cases, such feelings may be associated with neurological diseases.

What can you do?
Consult a doctor. It is important to exclude any medical causes of your feelings.
Consulting a psychologist will help you understand the causes of your feelings, teach you relaxation techniques and help you cope with anxiety.
Keep a sleep diary. Write down when you go to bed, when you wake up, how you sleep. This will help you identify possible sleep disorders.
Create a calm atmosphere at home. Clean the room, ventilate it, use pleasant aromas.
Practice relaxation techniques. Meditation, breathing exercises, yoga will help you calm down and reduce anxiety.
Discuss your feelings with loved ones. Tell people you trust about your experiences. Sometimes just talking about your fears helps to ease the condition.
Limit your consumption of stimulants. Coffee, alcohol, nicotine can increase anxiety.
Remember that you are not alone. Many people face similar experiences. Seek help from a specialist, and you will definitely find a solution to this problem.

Psychologist's answer: How to reduce anxiety?

Anxiety is a natural response to stress, but when it becomes excessive and interferes with daily life, it is worth looking for ways to reduce it.

With high anxiety intensity, the following tools can help:

1. Deep breathing: Take a slow breath in through your nose, hold your breath for a few seconds, and slowly exhale through your mouth. This will help calm your nervous system.
2. Meditation: Regular meditation helps you focus on the present moment and let go of anxious thoughts.
3. Progressive muscle relaxation: Alternately tense and relax different muscle groups to relieve physical tension.
4. Changing your mindset: Identify negative thoughts. Try to identify the automatic negative thoughts that arise in your mind when you are anxious. Then try to replace the negative thoughts with more realistic and positive ones. Write down your thoughts and feelings. This will help you understand yourself and your anxiety better.
5. Healthy lifestyle: Physical activity helps relieve stress and improves mood.
A healthy diet provides the body with the necessary substances for normal functioning. Sleep also plays an important role in the body's recovery.
Try to limit caffeine and alcohol, as they can only increase anxiety.
6. Spend time with friends and family, do not hesitate to ask for help from loved ones if necessary.
7. Limit watching the news or discussing topics that increase your anxiety level.
8. Professional help: A specialist will help you understand the causes of anxiety and develop an individual treatment plan.
Good luck on your journey to reducing your anxiety level! Regular efforts will certainly help stabilize your condition!

Psychologist's answer:How can I overcome a gaming addiction that arose due to stressful events? I'm worried that it could ruin my relationship with my partner, who doesn't know about this problem.

Gaming addiction is a destructive way to cope with stress. It is often seen as a quick and easy way to escape from problems, stress, and negative emotions. However, it is only a temporary solution that can lead to much bigger problems later on.

Why do people turn to gaming?
- Quick gratification. Gaming can provide an instant sense of accomplishment, entertainment, and a way to forget about worries.
- Control. In a virtual world, people often feel more in control of the situation than in real life.
- Escaping from reality allows people to forget about worries, stress, and negative emotions.
- A sense of significance.

Why is it destructive?
- It only temporarily masks the problem, not solves it.
- Over time, the need can become uncontrollable.
- Losses and stress can lead to health problems, as well as the development of depression and anxiety.
- Relationship breakdown, conflict, financial difficulties.

How to overcome online casino addiction: practical tips
1. Admit the problem. The first step to recovery is realizing that you have a problem.
Don't be shy. Many people face this problem, and you are not alone.

2. Limit access:
Block sites. Use special programs to block access to online casino sites.
Remove all gambling-related applications from your phone.
Limit card use: Talk to your bank about blocking the ability to make payments to gaming sites.

3. Find alternatives:
- Take up a hobby: Find an activity that you enjoy and that will help you to abstract yourself and forget about the game.
- Socialize: Spend more time with friends and family.
- Exercise. Physical exercise will help relieve stress and have a positive effect on your well-being.

4. Seek help:
- A specialist will help you understand the causes of your addiction and develop an individual treatment plan.
- Talking to other people who have similar problems can be very helpful.
- There are specialized hotlines where you can seek help at any time.

5. Be patient. Overcoming addiction is a process. Do not expect instant results.
- Do not give up: Even if you fail, do not despair. Keep fighting.

Algorithms and techniques for overcoming gaming addiction: practical advice

Behavioral therapy algorithms:
1. Replace the time spent playing with other, more useful activities. Reward yourself for achieving small goals.
2. Identify situations, places and emotions that prompt you to play. Learn to avoid or change these situations.
3. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and actions related to gaming. This will help you better understand your habits and motivations.
4. Use breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga to relieve stress and anxiety.

Cognitive-behavioral techniques:
- Identify and change negative thoughts: Challenge negative thoughts related to gaming and replace them with more realistic ones.
- Learn to cope effectively with stressful situations without resorting to gaming.
- Learn to say “no” and assert your boundaries.

Telling your partner about your gaming addiction can be a difficult step, but it is important for recovery and saving your relationship.
Here’s why it’s important:
- Your partner can be your support in the fight against addiction. He or she can help you find support, motivate you, and be there for you when times get tough.
- By hiding your problem, you risk losing your partner’s trust. Open communication can help strengthen your relationship.
- Together, you can develop strategies to help you overcome your addiction.

How to talk about your problem:
Choose the right time and place. Choose a quiet place and time when you are both relaxed and can talk calmly.
Be honest. Talk about your addiction without hiding details.
Explain how it affects you. Share your feelings and experiences.
Ask for support. Tell your partner that you need their help.
Be prepared for different reactions. Your partner may react differently. Be prepared for this and try to understand their feelings.

Remember that you are not alone. Many people have successfully overcome gaming addiction.

Psychologist's answer: How to find a job? I'm having trouble finding my place

Looking for a job can be difficult and cause anxiety. It's good that you asked a psychologist this question. This shows your willingness to change the situation.
To begin with, I suggest asking yourself a few questions that can help you better understand yourself and your expectations from work:
- What does "finding your place" mean to you? What values, interests, and skills would you like to implement at work?
- What are your strengths and weaknesses? What do you think is preventing you from finding a job?
- What have you had previous employment experiences? What did you like and what didn't you like?
- What are your expectations from work? What schedule, salary, and working conditions will suit you?
- What fears and anxieties do you experience while looking for a job? What exactly worries you the most?
- What successes have you had in life? This will help increase your self-esteem.
- What resources do you have for finding a job? You may have useful contacts, skills, or knowledge.
- How do you usually cope with stress? Understanding your coping mechanisms will help you develop effective strategies for finding a job.

The next step can be to draw up a job search plan that will meet your individual characteristics.
And finally, start taking action according to the formed plan. If necessary, you can adjust the plan to your needs and capabilities.

Remember that job searching is a process that takes time and effort. Don't give up if you don't find a job right away. The main thing is to believe in yourself and not be afraid to ask for help. I wish you success in finding your place in life!

Psychologist's answer: How to support a child who feels constant anxiety due to the possible danger to their parents?

A situation in which a child is constantly worried about the safety of their parents due to the war is very complex and requires a special approach. In such a situation, frank communication with the child can help you. Create an atmosphere of trust where the child can freely express their feelings and fears.
Explain your vision to them in simple words. Use words that the child will understand, and avoid unnecessary details that may scare them. At the same time, it is better not to hide the truth, but also not to dramatize.

You can talk about what you are doing to ensure the safety of the family and yourself.
It is important to listen carefully, give the child the opportunity to express himself. Show that his feelings are important and understandable to you.

What joint actions can be taken?
- Create joint rituals that will help the child feel safe and comfortable. These can be evening stories, family dinners or joint games.
- Offer your child to engage in creativity: drawing, modeling, so that he can express his feelings.
- Joint walks, games will help relieve tension and distract from anxious thoughts.
- Involve your child in charitable activities so that he feels his significance and can help others.
- Physical contact helps your child feel safe.
- Remind your child of your love, support and that everything will be fine.
- Teach your child simple relaxation techniques, such as breathing exercises or visualization of a safe place.

Consulting a child psychologist will help your child cope with anxiety and teach him useful strategies for overcoming stress.
Remember that children can react to stress in different ways.
At the same time, do not forget to take care of yourself, because your emotional state directly affects the child's condition.
Your love and support are the most important things for a child during this difficult period.

Psychologist's answer: How to control yourself and not yell at your child, especially during homework?

Understanding why parents may lose their temper with their child during homework is an important step towards solving this problem. Here are some reasons that can lead to such situations.

Own negative memories: Many parents repeat the behavioral patterns they saw in their parents. If they were forced to do homework in an atmosphere of stress and shouting, they may unconsciously repeat this scenario with their children.

High expectations: Parents often have high expectations of their children, and when the child does not achieve the desired results, this can cause disappointment and anger.

Fatigue and stress: After a day of work, parents are tired and nervous. In such conditions, even minor difficulties with the child can cause irritation.

Not enough time: When parents have limited time, they may feel pressured and demand quick results from the child, which leads to conflicts.

Lack of understanding of the child’s difficulties: Parents may not take into account the individual characteristics of the child, his learning pace and work style.

Lack of effective teaching methods: If parents do not know how to properly organize the learning process, they may feel helpless and angry.

The reasons why a child may refuse to do homework can be varied:
1. Lack of understanding of the material. If a child does not understand the task or topic, he may feel afraid or insecure, which will lead to a reluctance to take on the work.
2. Fatigue. After a long school day, a child may simply be exhausted and not have the strength for additional classes.
3. Lack of motivation. If a child does not see the point in doing homework or does not understand why it is important, he may be demotivated.
4. Some children have difficulty concentrating, which makes it difficult to complete tasks.
5. Stress, anxiety or other emotional problems can distract a child from studying.
6. Sometimes refusal can be a form of protest against something that is happening in a child's life.
7. Lack of organization. If a child does not have a clear schedule and does not know how to plan his time, this can lead to procrastination.
8. Physical discomfort. Hunger, thirst, pain can distract a child from studying.
9. Insufficient understanding of the importance of studying. If a child is not explained why studying is important and how it will help him in the future, he may not see the point in it (explain with an example that school is a simulator for the brain. Every day the child develops his brain during studying, and this will help him in the future to succeed and fulfill his dreams).

How to avoid conflicts when doing homework:

·Try to determine what exactly causes you irritation and find ways to cope with these emotions.
·Remember that studying is a process that takes time. Do not demand too much from your child.
·Create a supportive environment. A quiet place: Choose a quiet place for your child to study, where they can focus.
·Choose a time when your child is most active and focused. This is usually not right after school, but some time after a break.
·Create a schedule for classes, breaking them down into short blocks with breaks.
·Break tasks into smaller, more understandable parts.
·Praise your child for every small success.
·If your child doesn’t understand a task, try to explain it in other words or with examples.
·Let your child express themselves and listen to their concerns.
Instead of criticizing, focus on finding solutions.
·Create an environment where your child is not afraid to make mistakes.
·Take regular breaks for rest and physical activity.
·Offer a reward system for completing tasks.
·Get help: If you are having serious difficulties, contact a tutor or psychologist.

Remember that you are a mother, not a teacher. Your main task is to support and protect. Yelling is not an effective method of teaching. It only worsens the relationship with the child and lowers his self-esteem. Be supportive and positive, and you can make the learning process enjoyable for both of you.